Resolving Conflicts

In solving conflicting feeling, there should be no winner or loser. The objective is to resolve feelings, not win an argument. If either has to win over the other, both will lose! If one feels there is a problem to be solved together, both have a problem. One can't just say "That's your problem".

Golden Rules

  1. Share feelings, don’t duck out.
  2. Listen with your heart and spirit as well as your mind. Many people feel they are great listeners because they can repeat back word for word what was said. However often their mind is jumping ahead with possible solutions, evaluations, reactions or judgments concerning what is being said. Under there conditions the person sharing feelings will not feel listened to or understood. Feel with the person what is being said.
  3. Don’t attack, or hit for sensitive spots.
  4. Use “I fee” messages, not “you are” messages. You are... you always... you never...why do you...etc. are accusatory. They only want to defend themselves.
  5. Don’t criticize or accuse the other person.
  6. Don’t be judgmental, or tell the other person his/her feelings are wrong or stupid to say things like “You don’t feel that way.” Feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are. They have to be listened to and respected if true communication is to take place.
  7. Do not involve third parties who may take side.
    Think of the other person’s needs and feelings and not just defend your own.
  8. Stick to the immediate subject, the feelings you want to share and what you are upset about. Don’t drag in old garbage from past discussions. If they’ve not been resolved before, resolve them and forgive them, so your relationship can move on. Forgiveness is the most divine act man can do.
  9. Sit close to each other and try to keep a warm, loving, caring attitude toward each other. You’re not fighting each other, but trying to solve a mutual problem, a ‘we’ problem.
  10. Sometimes you will agree to disagree but this should be seldom. Compromise the disagreements when possible.